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Monday, March 28, 2011

Monday Musing: From the Archives

One Muscle Matchmaker Blind Vice: Furrowed Frank is such a mainstay in
contemporary entertainment, visible everywhere on screens big and
small. 'Course, many a pop culture aficionado insists what F2 does is
definitely not entertainment, but it is. Indeed, the dude's whole life
is as meticulously written as his hair is coiffed. And that ain't just
my big-hair Texas exaggeration shootin' off, trust. Here's how F2's
love life plays out, for ince. Oh, and need you even guess? Yes, bien
sûr, F.F. is a closeted gay man, do they not make any other kind in
this biz any more? I swear, I really do think we're regressing since
the time of Rock Hudson and that ersatz marriage to his secretary. I
mean, get real. Andy Dick and his dubious hangers-on are practically
the only friggin' tier of boy-swingin' guys to come clean, save a few
souls like T.R. Knight, who was forced outta the closet, anyway. Look,
Furrowed had a b-f for a while, all fairly discreet 'n' stuff, never
really got out there that much in the gay-sniffing zeitgeist that's so
increasingly prevalent...our apologies if this Vice department's only
expedited that dynamic, but I think it would have happened anyway.
Now, F2 and his man have busted up. And since since Frank is under
such tremendous pressure to perform before his mouthwatering public,
Franky-poo's needs must not go unmet, correct? Furrowed's trainer sure
seems to think so. The big ol' cut and ab-perf hunk has taken it upon
himself to procure dates for Furrowed. And the damn guy's straight!
But that doesn't stop him from interviewing potential exquisitely
muscled men on the floor of the gym where he trains F.F., usually
beginning with a query such as, "How would you feel if a big celebrity
found you attractive and wanted to go out with you?" Initial response
is key here. If the boy's dark eyes (as they almost always are, as Mr.
F loves him some Latino lovin') light up instantly, that's usually a
signal to go to the next step, which is either making the intro right
there on the gym floor, or an almost immediate dinner or coffee setup.
See, F ain't got much time. We could blame it on his pressing and
highly visible work schedule, s'pose, but that wouldn't really be
accurate. More to the nooky-crazed point would be that Frank is much
more interested in moving on to the next bulging find his trainer
procures for him--rather than getting to know any of the fixed-up
fellas, at all. How long will it be before one of the quickly
discarded dudes gets supersteamed and goes to the tabs, we wonder? Not
very. AND IT AIN'T: Justin Timberlake; Ty Pennington; Alec Baldwin

Just hazarding a guess, on the above. If it is Dwayne, it's great for the fantasy life, but a bit low down on the down low for him. Onward and upward in keeping with the Sports and Entertainment motif on this day for lovers, gay and otherwise, Towleroad (and You Tube) has been pilfered for (1) Bruce Weber's portrait of John Cena, which, while he may not be gay, would make many a homosexual appreciate him more than they do already.

(2) It is followed by an advert appropriate to the theme. Well, that it may be appropriate or not is a moot point in these parts, but it beats the hell out of any Super Bowl commercial in recent memory. Thanks again to Towleroad for pointing it out (and You Tube for making it available)

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