Beat Me, Bite Me, Burn Me

Let's face it, we live in a sado-masochistic world. Experiencing the negative is much better than feeling nothing and sometimes that's all there is. While there is something to be said for the sense of the well being that one experiences once the pain ceases, feeling the pain can be quite a turn on.

Thirty five years ago in the August issue, the great satirical periodical, National Lampoon, in its "Letter from the Editor" proclaimed the glories of feeling bad. This editorship can proclaim the glories of various means to the ends of feeling nasty, but the Lampoon had a rather funny, if not insightful laundry list. So, here 35 years after the summer of 1971, it is:

Everybody knows that acid is bad for you, expensive, and uncool. Hence the plethora of legal highs that have been touted about: bananas, Jesus, etc. But every intrepid tripper knows that bummers are themselves a big buzz, the horror-show fun house in the Coney Island of your mind.

It is as a public service that we present the following list of legal lows. We suggest that when the narc catches you perched on a ledge with your pupils dilated and your fingernails gnawed down to the second knuckle, you plead not guilty and show the judge this page:

1. Board the subway: Imagine that you are on trial for your life; the people seated across from you are your jury.

2. Look out the window. Consider the quiet desperation of the lives of passersby. They are on their way home to windowless rooms and invalid children.

3. If you are among the mere one-third of the world who don't go to bed hungry every night, then you probably ate the menstrual discharge of a verminous fowl for breakfast this morning.

4. 'Life is a disease of matter.' -- Goethe

5. Think about geriatric sex.

6. How about the fact that four fundred million of your fellow humans believe the Pope of Rome to be infallible?

7. We are either the only intelligent life in the universe
or we aren't.

8. Contemplate life after death.

9. Catch up on VD statistics.

10. Consult a civil-defense manual.

11. Spend some time mulling over the color illustrations in the anatomy section of your encyclopedia.

12. Richard Nixon is really a very sincere guy who is doing his best.

13. Read Paul Ehrlich. Consider the alternative: read B.F. Skinner.

14. Meditate upon the implications of great scientific breakthroughs >>>>

Copernicus: 'We are nowhere near the center of the universe.'
Harvey: 'Rivers of red goo are running through tubes inside of you. Under pressure.'
Darwin: 'Everything that has survived (including you) has done so through a combination of pure viciousness and sheer coincidence. And that's why your little toe is shrinking. Right now.'
Pasteur: 'There's a whole dog-eat-dog universe going on inside every water drop.'
Freud: 'You really want to do it with your mom.'
Einstein: 'Slowly but surely the universe is either imploding or exploding.'



15. Surveys show that the typical reader of this magazine is a member of the species, the race, the sex, the nation and the social class responsible for almost all of the world's misery.

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